The Trumpeter Unleashed

Do you know that moment where everything feels like it’s falling apart and crashing around you? You feel like you’re going to lose your mind and do something irreversible. Your thoughts are lost in the confusing maze of your mind. You can’t find your voice because everyone is speaking louder. You are begging for an end, please let the voices stop, please let everything make sense. You are at your lowest, you’re scared, and you feel alone. You want some kind of help, you need a hand to pull you out of the dark pit you dug yourself in, you need something to keep you afloat and breathing. You need help.

I was like that for so long. Nothing could keep me happy. I would try to be happy for my friends and family, but in the end I would fall apart. If you were to look at my body and my possessions, you would see there was a constant fight. The fight to stay calm, stay sane, and keep living. I was never a happy person. I was never a stable person. With every bad event in my life, I lost a bit of myself and my sanity. These past two months, April and May, have been the worst for my sanity. My grades were pathetic, I was on the edge of failing 10th grade. Mackenzie and I kept fighting, I wanted the fights to stop. I wanted to get away from her.

More than anything else, I wanted the voices to stop screaming at me. I’m not crazy, no…not crazy. I just had a bad life. I have voices in my head, they would control me for so long. Tumblr, you’re probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just ignore them?” and that’s a valid question. I didn’t ignore them for a few reasons. I was weak and I couldn’t seperate myself from them. They scared me and I just wanted them to be happy with me. I found myself obeying almost everything they said. I never obeyed the evil voice though. Something kept me from listening to him.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea right now, I just want to write out my feelings. Hopefully it makes sense at the end.

But anyway, I was never the stable and happy person. But I am a fighter. It didn’t matter what happened to me mentally, emotionally, or physically, I would still fight to be me. Who am I? That’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for so long. I will be honest, I used to follow the crowds and present myself like them. But my inside never changed. I’m so stupid, it’s hilarious. Tumblr, in fifth grade we were signing up for our 6th grade fun class (shut up, I don’t feel like looking up the spelling for the word I mean) and our foreign language. I didn’t want to lose the friends I made in A.L Burruss, so I signed up for art and Spanish. I fucking hated art! I’m no artist, that’s for sure. I also hated Spanish. I hate foreign language period. I know, I know, knowing a foreign language makes you more knowledgeable. When I’m not forced to study it, I will learn a new one, ok? But anyway, I would follow what my friends did even though I hated it. I was a stupid, lonely kid. That’s all I can say for myself. I felt alone and I did what I had to to not feel alone.

6th grade, I followed the crowd. 7th grade, I followed the crowd. 8th grade, I began to find stuff I like, but still sort of followed the crowd. 9th grade, I was just in a constant tug of war with myself, Joyce, and Mackenzie. 10th grade…that’s where I came alive. I know I talk about 10th grade being my most stressful school year, and it was, but it’s also my favorite school year of all. In the years before, I was just a follower without his own voice. I found my voice this year! I don’t know how to explain the feeling of finally finding my voice. MY voice, not the voices floating in my head or the voices of my friends, MY voice.

It wasn’t easy though, and when I did find it, I had trouble keeping it and staying true to it. Tumblr, at the time I realized I am Adam Ian Anderson and I was still in a troubled relationship with a girl who refused to see Adam. I wanted to please her, but I knew who I was now and I didn’t want to let that go. God…I am so sorry to the person who actually saw me…but I actually let go of Adam for Mackenzie for a little while. It was only for about a week or a little longer. But…in that short period of time, I felt true hopelessness and depression. If it were not for Joyce, I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. Why did I let myself become victim to her for so long, nearly 3 years. Why did I let go of the things I was searching for so long, the real me and my voice. I know why…I need to admit this now. Tumblr, you know how I felt so alone for so long? Well…I didn’t want to let go of her despite the fact she treated me like her pet and made me let go of who I am. I know…so stupid, but I need someone and as long as I gave her attention, she was there. I know I’m pathetic.

But let me mention that person who actually saw me. This person was actually the first person I told, the first person to call me Adam, the first and only person to list me as their brother on Facebook. But there’s more to this person, way more. This person I met in 7th grade, she was the protective, lovable rebel and I was just the fat, shy nerd. I became friends with her in 8th grade, she brought me a lot of happiness unknowingly. I became the humble trumpeter I am now because she and a few others showed me how fun band can be. In 9th grade, we became closer. In fact, I considered her my best friend. I just wanted to make her happy. I was in a tug of war battle with her and Mackenzie, but she wasn’t any of the blame for it. In 10th grade…we got a lot closer. She was more than a best friend to me. I know I screwed her over many times, but I didn’t mean to at all. I’m just an accident prone fool. Last night I realized I’ve been in love with her since November of 2011. When I first told her I was in love with her, I felt so happy and free. But…Mackenzie found out and ruined the happiness between us. I almost lost her. That was the scariest time of my life, losing the girl who was there before everyone else. But…I gained back her trust and love, she was still here. I told her I loved her a second time, I called her my dark princess. She continued to react with happiness and love. I was doing something right for once and I felt so happy about it. She slowly helped break down the walls surrounding the real me. She unlocked sides of me that I never knew I would be able to reveal. She helped me realize that Adam deserves to be shown to everyone and that Amber just needs to be let go. She was the support I needed through 8th grade to 10th grade. She kept me sane when I had trouble with my voices. She was my reason for living when my depression wanted me to pick up a gun and plant a nice bullet in my head. She taught me even though I don’t have the perfect flat chest with abs and something interesting below the belt, I was still Adam and anyone who disagreed needs to fuck off. She makes me forget I don’t have the physical traits. She makes me feel happier in a way no one could. She makes me feel like I’m good enough. It is the first time I ever felt good enough. She is why I’m typing this right now, for without her I would surely be dead by now. She is my beautiful princess, and one day I hope I can make her my queen. She is the reason for everything good that has happened to me, and I mean that to the fullest extent. Without her, I wouldn’t have become the confident man I am right now. I wouldn’t have got into my marching band’s leadership core because she is the one who believed in me and convinced me I could do it. I wouldn’t have passed 10th grade because she is the one I talked to so I would stay sane and she encouraged me and told me I could do it. I wouldn’t have gotten out of my troubled relationship because without her, I would still believe I would always be alone without Mackenzie. She even helped me get rid of my bad voices, just yesterday. She is the sweetest, most amazing girl I’ve ever met. Now that I’m happier and more stable, I will do everything in my power to make this girl happy. I will make her future amazing, I swear on my life I will. I will make her feel like the beloved princess in all the fairy tales we read when we were little, except this would be real. She isn’t like the princesses in those fairy tales, but that’s ok, those princesses are fake anyhow. She is real, she came from a bad past to grow into the wonderful, loving girl she is now. She is so much better than the fairy tale princesses. You know…she told me that the universe was teaching me a lesson with my troubled relationship, it needed to show me that personality can be faked, beauty can be only skin deep, and people do wear masks. She was right. But I found someone with a real personality partnered with natural beauty inside and out, and she hides behind no masks. That someone is the same person this long paragraph is about. The same person who makes me grin simply from seeing her and completely turns my day around by just talking to her. The same person who makes my heart race and me blush so embarrassingly easy. The same person who I can talk to about anything and everything. The same person who can say “fuck you” to me and flip me off and I can only laugh and smile. The same person who I love with all my heart. My fighter, my dark princess, Bubbles. Joyce Linda Collins.

I want you to know Joyce and I are fighters and nothing can stop us from being happy and being ourselves.

“Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we’re dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they’ll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That’s what they’ll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one’s a fighter”